Ignition
by Phosphorescent
Summary: "I'm 'worked up' because you told me that you burned that thing," Robin said tightly. "You lied to me, Barney. And if you lied about that, what else have you lied about? Was anything between us even real?" Speculation and mild spoilers for 8x18: "Weekend at Barney's."
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM._

_A/N: I am so, so sorry for being so far behind with _Dear Diary_; I'm working on the next chapter as we speak, but it's coming along_ very _slowly_._ HIMYM has been frustrating me a lot lately. It can't seem to decide how it wants to paint Barney, Robin, and their relationship, and the consequent inconsistencies are driving me insane. So while I work on _DD_, here's a little something that's been brewing in my head ever since I saw 8x17: "The Ashtray." __Undoubtedly this isn't how events are going to play out in canon, but I want the HIMYM universe to make a little more sense than it has been recently. Hence this __fic, which will eventually be about __2-4 chapters in total. Enjoy!_

_Warning: contains mild spoilers for the upcoming episode 8x18: "Weekend at Barney's." _

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**Chapter One  
**

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_February 2013_

"Jeannette and I broke up," Ted announced as he took his seat at the bar.

"Finally!" Marshall exclaimed. "I mean, you needed to get that craziness out of your system, but I thought you guys were gonna be over weeks ago."

"Shut up," Ted moaned, face buried in his hands.

"Aww, really?" Robin asked in mock devastation. "Are you sure you two are through? I mean, she seemed so _nice."_

"Shut up," Ted muttered, laughter creeping into his tone.

"I know just how to cheer you up!" Barney proclaimed, straightening in his seat at the booth.

He'd been waiting _ages_ for just such an occasion.

Reaching into his suit jacket, he pulled out a wrapped book and handed it to Ted.

"Open it! Open it!" he said, bouncing up and down in place.

Ted slowly unwrapped the book, making sure not to tear or crease the paper.

"Seriously, Ted, sometime _before_ doomsday would be nice," Lily put in in exasperation.

"Fine!" Ted snapped, and ripped off the rest of the wrapping paper.

Everyone stared at the leather-bound, gold-embossed book.

On its cover and spine were stamped two very familiar words: _The Playbook_.

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_[Theme song and opening credits begin to play.]_

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"No, your eyes do not deceive you!" Barney proclaimed. "It is… the one, the only, the incredible _Playbook_! We're gonna catch you the girl of your wet dreams, Teddy boy."

As everyone continued to stare at him in disbelief, he pried Ted's fingers off the book and added, "Sorry, Bro, but you don't get to actually _keep_ the Playbook. I just wrapped it up to make you feel better."

A faint hiss from his side warned him that Robin was taking in a deep breath.

Bad sign.

"Excuse us, everyone," Robin suddenly told Marshall, Lily, and Ted through gritted teeth. "Barney and I need to have a little talk. Lily, could I borrow the keys to your guys' apartment?"

Wordlessly, Lily handed over her set of keys.

Barney waggled his eyebrows in innuendo – hey, gotta keep up appearances – and followed Robin up to the second floor.

The instant the apartment door closed behind them, Robin started in on him.

"The Playbook?" she spat in a lowered voice. "_Really_?"

"Awesome, right?" Barney said brightly, hoping against hope that she'd come around to his point of view.

"Not awesome," Robin said, face dark with displeasure. "I want you to get rid of it."

"What? No. The Playbook's like family, Robin, and you don't just get rid of family," Barney insisted. "Even if they're smelly and old, you still can't just throw them out on the street."

"Get rid of the Playbook," Robin repeated slowly, venom dripping from every syllable.

"No! Why are you so worked up about this, anyway?" Barney asked, voice rising. "It's not like I'm using it for _me_."

"I'm 'worked up' because you told me that you burned that thing," Robin said tightly, volume increasing to match his. "You lied to me, Barney. And if you lied about that –"

"– Oh, don't you get all high and mighty with me," Barney snapped. "Remember a certain night in a certain bar when a certain lady didn't keep _her_ word?"

"And I regret that – you _know _how much I regret that – but I can't change it," Robin snapped back. "Besides, that's different."

"Really," Barney scoffed. "Enlighten me, Robin, 'cause from where I'm sitting my offense is much less. And I _did_ burn the Playbook; I just had a couple of extra copies on hand, that's all."

"That's a technicality and you know it," Robin hissed. "You said you didn't need the Playbook anymore, implying that we'd never see it again."

"A technicality perhaps, but still true," Barney retorted. "And I notice you didn't say how our situations are different."

"It's different because we're actually in a relationship now, you ass!" Robin said sharply. "We're _engaged_! And you lied about the thing that made me realize we could actually work as a couple long-term. If that wasn't real, then we've based this whole engagement on a foundation of sand."

She broke off and blinked back the tears beginning to brim in her eyes.

"How do I know what's real?" she demanded. "Was _any_ of it real? You burned the Playbook, but you've got back-up copies. You say you love me and want to be with me – and only me – forever, and then you talk about traditional marriage being confining. You say that you respect me and then you say that my only purpose in life is to please you sexually. I just… I don't get you, Barney. And how can we get married if I can't trust you?"

Robin's words hit him like a physical blow.

And the blows kept coming.

"I'm 'worked up,'" Robin continued, "because you've been dreaming up plays every night this week – literally. Because you've been getting restless even though you _promised_ me that that part of your past was behind you. You've been acting like you regret ever asking me to marry you!"

Barney's heart all but froze.

"But I don't regret it!" he protested quickly. "I love you!"

"And I love you," Robin said quietly. "But is that going to be enough?"

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_[Commercial Break.]_

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	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM._

_A/N: __Thank you all so much for taking the time to review! Here's the second chapter; the third (and final) one should be up sometime later this week. __Robin and Barney are (a lot) more verbose and emotionally open in this fic than they will probably ever be in canon, but they really need to have these discussions. Having said that, if you have any suggestions to help make their conversation more in-character, I'll happily listen._

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**Chapter Two  
**

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Barney's first impulse was to declare that of _course_ it was enough, but he knew that Robin wouldn't accept that kind of statement without something to back it up.

Instead he said, "It has to be enough. I lost you once and it almost killed me. I can't go through that again, Robin."

"And you think I _can_?" Robin asked disbelievingly. "I'm scared to death of us not working out. That's why we're having this conversation, Barney. We can't – we can't keep brushing stuff under the rug and hoping it'll go away. If we're going to get married, we need to be able to discuss our issues like mature adults."

Barney nodded, face serious.

"I know," he muttered.

"So tell me, _why_ have you been acting like such a jerk lately?" Robin all but begged.

Barney shrugged uncomfortably.

"It's stupid," he said at last.

"Only when it's making you _act_ stupid," Robin retorted.

Taking in a deep breath, Barney explained, "It's just… our friends all keep watching us. Judging us. Expecting us to fail. Expecting _me_ to fail. And I guess – I got tired of it and just decided to give them what they wanted."

Robin's face registered a combination of empathy and exasperation.

"Don't think I haven't heard Ted's snide remarks about how I'm going to let you down eventually," Barney continued, the words rushing out of him now. "And let's not forget Marshall and Lily's little holier-than-thou glances every time I mess up. It doesn't matter how hard I try, they still see the guy I was a couple of years ago. They still _want _to see that guy. And…"

He trailed off and shrugged.

"Well, I don't know who I am without being able to tell stories about my crazy schemes to pull chicks. That's the role I've always filled in our little group and without that, what purpose do I serve?"

"Don't be an idiot!" Robin said firmly. Placing her hand on top of his, she said, "You are Barney Stinson: Laser Tag and magic enthusiast, Cuban cigar and Scotch expert, and the man I love. You're zany and melodramatic, but emotionally guarded. You're cynical and have a job so top-secret that probably even _you_ don't know all of what you do, but you're also secretly idealistic and have a soft spot for animals. You're a good son, a good brother, and a _damn_ good friend. You're tenacious and conniving and can do anything you put your mind to. You're _Barney Stinson_, and I refuse to believe that all you have going for you is your ability to pick up bimbos."

Barney felt a rush of warmth, but Robin wasn't done speaking yet.

Sucking in a new breath of air, she continued, "As for the rest of what you said… to hell with everyone else! Let them be judgmental. They may not care about who you are today, but I _do_. Don't let their preconceptions shape our relationship. Not again."

"I – you're right," Barney said. "Of course you're right. It's just one of those things that's easier said than done."

Robin squeezed his hand once more before letting go.

"I know," she said. "…And speaking of stuff that's easier said than done… you mentioned last November; and I get it, I was a selfish bitch. But you can't keep bringing my past mistakes up against me. You have no idea how much I regret some of the things I've done to you, but… When you keep bringing them up, I wonder if you ever really forgave me. And I can't – I can't be in a relationship with that kind of debt constantly hanging over me. It's like Lily and Marshall said all those years ago, a healthy relationship shouldn't be a constant competition. If we're going to be together, we have to actually be on the same side. _Especially_ since everyone expects us to fail at this thing."

Slowly, falteringly, Barney explained, "I forgave you ages ago. That doesn't stop it hurting, though. And just – there's never been a good time to discuss it, OK? I mean, besides the fact that I don't particularly _like_ talking about that time. It's just – first you were in a relationship, and then I was, and then you were again; and… I didn't want to dredge up ancient history, especially since we were still getting our friendship back. And I was scared of driving you away."

"Hey, does it look like I'm going anywhere?" Robin asked, holding up the hand with her engagement ring.

"You freak out when it comes to commitment," Barney said. "And I get it, really I do. I mean, if anyone gets it, it's me. But – when it's you, it's different for me, Robin. I guess I just want to be sure that it's different for you too. That you won't abandon me at the altar the way you abandoned me at the bar."

Robin looked stricken and the silence stretched out between them.

Eventually she said, "I can't promise you that I won't freak out. Because let's face it, I probably will. But I _can_ promise you that if – when – I freak out, I'll try to freak out with you instead of on my own. Is that good enough for you?"

"I don't know," Barney said honestly. "But _you're_ enough for me, so it'll have to be."

"Am I?" Robin asked. "Enough for you, that is?"

Barney opened his mouth to respond, but Robin cut him off with her hand.

Taking in a deep breath, she said, "Look, I'm never going to be into three-ways with random chicks. I – I saw enough of that with my dad, my mom, and his mistress. So if you can't accept that – if I'm never going to be enough for you by myself – you need to tell me."

Barney felt a sickening rush of shame and horror.

Wow. He really had done a number on her self-confidence with his recent behavior, hadn't he?

Stupid. _Stupid_.

"I only want you," Barney told her firmly, praying that she'd believe him, stay with him. "I know I haven't been acting that way lately, but it's true. It's just – it's easy to act like I used to, y'know? Almost comforting. But I don't want that life anymore. I want a life with you."

"I just don't want us to turn into my parents," Robin said, eyes fixed determinedly on the ground. "I – I couldn't bear it if we ended up resenting each other."

"Hey," Barney said, "That's not gonna happen."

"How can you know that?" Robin asked.

"Uh, because we're _awesome_, that's why," Barney said.

"Seriously, Barney," Robin said.

"I don't know, OK?" Barney said. "I mean, there are no guarantees in life. But, uh, the fact that we're talking about all of this in the first place is a pretty good sign, right?"

Robin shrugged weakly.

"Look, I'm willing to go to couples' therapy with you every week if that's what it takes," Barney said, shuddering a bit but locking eyes with Robin to show her that he was serious.

"Oh God, no," Robin burst out. "This is bad enough!"

Barney let out a sigh of relief.

"Have I ever told you that you're the perfect woman?" he asked.

A small smile crept onto Robin's face as she answered, "Yeah, but it doesn't hurt to hear it a few more times."

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_[Commercial Break.]_

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	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM. It's shocking, really._

_A/N: So apparently when I said 'later this week' I really meant 'a month from now.' Sorry about that! I'm still working on the next chapter of 'Dear Diary,' but I won't hazard a guess as to when it will be finished, as I'll probably just end up jinxing myself. ;-)_

_My thanks to those of you who have stuck with this story. __Finally, to all of you who celebrate Passover, Chag Sameach!_

* * *

**Chapter Three**

* * *

"Well you are," Barney said. "Kinda perfect, that is."

Robin leaned over and gave him a kiss. Barney was just starting to get into it when she suddenly pulled back.

"I guess as long as we're coming clean about stuff," Robin said hesitantly, "you should know that I – I can't have kids. Literally can't have them. I found out last December after our pregnancy scare."

_Ah. Right. About that – _

"I know," Barney told her.

Robin froze. "Wha – how?"

Barney's mouth twisted wryly as he said, "You know Lily can't keep a secret to save her life."

Robin let out a sound that was half groan, half strangled laugh.

"I'm going to kill her," she muttered.

"She didn't mean to, if that helps any," Barney said. "She thought I already knew."

He did his best to keep the bitterness out of his tone. This was about Robin, after all, not about how he'd felt upon learning that bit of information second-hand.

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" Robin asked.

"I figured if you'd wanted to talk about it with me, you'd have told me," Barney said with a shrug.

"I –" Robin stammered. "I probably should have told you."

"Why didn't you?" Barney asked, hoping she couldn't read how much it had hurt him. "You told everyone else."

"Yeah, but – that's different," Robin explained, words tumbling awkwardly out of her mouth. "You're the only one who _mattered_."

That shouldn't have made sense, but it did. They really were two of a kind.

"Do you – do you want kids?" Barney asked, suddenly realizing that they had never had that discussion. It had never occurred to him that she might, but…

Robin shook her head, eyes a tad over-bright.

"No," she said quietly. "Do you?"

"God no," Barney said with more vehemence than he had originally intended. "I mean, I'm going to be busy enough with Marvin Wait-for-It and Ted's kids, whenever he has them. And you _know_ he's going to have them."

Robin smiled, and while it was weak, it was also genuine.

"Those poor kids are going to need so much therapy," she said. "I mean, _Professor Infosauraus_?"

Barney gave a dramatic wince of agreement.

"Not just therapy," he said. "They're going to need lessons in awesomeness too. That's where _we_ come in."

Robin's smile widened a fraction.

Encouraged, Barney continued. "I mean, Lily isn't so bad, but Marshall and Ted? If those kids manage to escape childhood without becoming totally lame, it'll be thanks to our hard work."

"I take it you already have lesson plans written up?" Robin asked, voice dry but fond.

"_Please_. I've been preparing for this role my whole life," he assured her. "But, uh, the plans are still a work-in-progress if you wanted to, uh, add anything."

Gaze softening, Robin said, "I call dibs on teaching them how to shoot and skin wildlife."

"All yours," Barney said generously. "But I get to teach them how to play laser-tag."

"Deal," Robin said, holding out her hand.

Barney shook it firmly.

"Uh, look," he said carefully, "I'm not going to change, you know that, right? I'm always going to love coming up with complicated schemes. I'm going to remember my womanizer past fondly; I mean, let's face it: it was pretty awesome. But that – that doesn't meant that I want to go back to it either, you know? And I'm going to screw up a _lot_. I won't mean to, but I will. Can you deal with that?"

"Barney," Robin said, smile growing on her face, "One of the reasons I love you is because you're almost as messed up as I am. And frankly? Deceit and subterfuge are hot on you. Just – don't lie to me about the important stuff, OK? I can't – just… let me be your assistant, not your mark."

"I don't want an assistant," Barney told her.

Her face fell.

"Oh. OK," she said stiffly. "That's –"

"I want a _partner_, Robin," Barney said.

Light returning to her eyes, Robin said, "Barnman and Robin, partners in crime and life. I like it."

Lips still slightly swollen and eyes reddened, Barney thought she'd never looked more beautiful.

"God, you're hot," Barney murmured breathlessly.

A wicked twinkle in her eye, Robin said, "You know, we still have some time before Lily and Marshall return…"

He didn't bother waiting to let her finish the sentence before his lips were on hers again.

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_[Commercial Break.]_

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_Tag Scene:_

A knock sounded on the apartment door.

"Barney? Robin? You guys alright in there?" Marshall called.

No response.

He opened the door and –

Abruptly covering his eyes, Marshall said, "Seriously, you guys? Couldn't you have done it in the bathroom like normal people instead of desecrating our couch? We put Marvin on that thing!"

"Sorry, Marshall," Robin said, but her tone contradicted her words.

"Only we're not really sorry," Barney put in.

"Yeah, I got that," Marshall said in a strained voice. "You guys are paying for that couch to be sanitized, you know that, right?"

"Worth it," Robin said, and Marshall suspecting she was making googly-eyes at Barney.

"Totally worth it," Barney echoed.

Marshall exited the apartment, slamming the door behind him before he was scarred any further.

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_[The HIMYM closing theme music plays and the end credits begin to roll.]_

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End file.
